An Open Letter to Conspiracy Theorists


Dear Mr. Conspiracy Theorist,
You need help. No wait, that didn’t sound right. I apologize. What I meant to say is, you’re right about everything. Except you aren’t. About most things. But you still are… Argh, this isn’t working. Ok, here’s the deal: I understand and appreciate where you’re coming from with stuff. But you believe some crazy things that just aren’t so. And it’s because of something missing inside. Don’t worry, I’m your friend. I’m here to help you.

I get it, we all need hobbies. Some play sports. Others are makeup enthusiasts. Some people get into politics, and still others are history buffs. Some people do board games. Like, all the time. Religiously. Seriously, they can’t even go out and date because they have some weekly board game on every night, and heaven forbid they miss one in order to get some action. Who the hell would choose… anyway, I’m sorry, I’m getting distracted here. Point is, I understand your pursuit of extracurriculars. It’s just that some of this stuff you get into is kind of a little nutty. Okay, really pretty insane.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly understandable. I agree with a lot of what you think, I really do! Skepticism towards the official news story is healthy. Of course the government lies. And yes, I definitely think they’re behind a lot of the crazy and terrible things happening in the world today. Same goes for the corporations. But some of this stuff is just crazy. No, those aren’t chemtrails, that’s just plain old condensation. The official 9/11 story is pretty sketchy, but the alternative conspiracy theory is even worse. No, there aren’t crisis actors everywhere. Yes, Sandy Hook was a real place, and real kids died there. And please stop denying their existence. You know there are dozens of grieving parents who lost their little children there, and rubbing salt into the gaping wounds in their hearts is nothing short of barbaric. Please, stop. You can do better.

I get why you do it. Really, I do. The world is a big, crazy, scary place. Everyday, trillions of dollars in wealth are transferred, created, stolen, and destroyed. The long-term destiny of billions of people is sealed without them knowing a thing. Economies are formed and decimated, banking systems collapse, war, genocide, revolution, and every manner of social upheaval happen before us. And we’re effectively powerless to influence it all by ourselves. I understand how you can feel helpless and confused when faced with all that. It’s natural to look for answers, especially when you find out that you’ve been lied to.

Unfortunately, you’re still being lied to. Only this time, it’s by an even more sinister predator. You see, the system wants your obedience and your money, but not much else. As long as you’re giving them the money and power they want, they couldn’t care less what else you do or believe. In fact, they want you to be happy. Content slaves are less likely to rise up, after all. Conspiracy peddlers, on the other hand, thrive on your misery. They smell your fear and discontentment, and, rather than give you a helping hand, feed and exacerbate your unhappiness. They want you to be troubled and miserable, so they can throw you lies about how everything you know is wrong. How there’s a global conspiracy to control your every move, and everything you think you know about the world is the exact opposite of reality. They want you to believe that aliens, or lizards, or Jews, or… whatever, that there’s a global elite with 110% control over Earth. Maybe alien globalist Rothschild Bilderberg New World Order Illuminati lizard Jews (did I miss one?). Sorry, I’ll try to take this more seriously. Promise.

Why do they want you to believe this? Simple: Money. Haven’t you noticed how, Natural News, and Info Wars are always trying to sell you something? How their pages are full of ads? That’s because, same as the global elite they rail about day in and day out, their only concern is milking you of every last cent of your hard-earned cash. Hey, at least The Man wants you to be productive and happy so you can keep living peacefully and calmly give him cash and power. Conspiracy peddlers want you to be miserable, paranoid, alone, afraid, and hopeless. They are predators of the worst kind. And now they’ve gotten into your head.

Truth is, the world is really complicated and hard to understand. From economics, law, government, policy, psychology, history, language, culture, and science, it takes a staggering amount of knowledge to effectively grasp how everything works. In detail, that is. Overall, the rules that govern how this world is run are fairly simple. Actually, it’s all pretty boring: Everyone wants money, sex, and power, and are always trying to get more of all three. Some people manage to control others in order to get more, and that works until everyone catches on and gets fed up. And so the cycle continues. We’re all subject to the vast conspiracy that is human nature. Every major improvement in the human condition happened because someone had the strength, vision, tenacity, and compassion to try to elevate us beyond our simple, animal desires.

But forget all that stuff about the world being boring and simple. Here’s the most terrifying truth of all: despite all your feelings of difference and incorrigibility, you’re actually pretty normal. It’s a really hard realization, but you’re probably extremely average, and lead a boring and unremarkable life. It stings me to write this, because I know how horrible it can feel to be insignificant. But I have to, because you know who else knows that? That’s right: the conspiracy peddlers. More than preying on your fear of the unknown, they exploit your fear of the known: your own feelings of inadequacy. They know that any gimmick to make you feel like you’re special is worth its weight in gold. You might be early 30s, out of shape, balding, single, with a terrible dead-end job, nothing exciting going on, and few friends; but slap a “9/11 Truth” sticker on your profile pic and give you a library of wild-eyed exposés of the modern world, and all of a sudden you feel like somebody. Your life now has meaning. Even if it’s all an illusion.

But there is another way. I’m going to tell you the meaning of life: exactly what you’re doing. Well, almost. You’re on the right path with trying to make something special of your life, but are looking for the quick fix instead of actual progress. Instead of letting manipulators lie to you that you’re somebody, be somebody. Start a band. Volunteer for charity. Get in shape. Become a writer. Or, do some research (real research), find something that’s legitimately wrong with the world, figure out an effective plan to right that wrong, and become an activist. You can do it, you can make your life have meaning. Only this time, it’ll be permanent, earned, and real. Sharing crazy falsehoods on social media won’t get you there.

I’m sorry for smacking you across the face with this. You think I wanted to? Don’t you think it would’ve been easier for me to just ignore all your conspiratorial ramblings and just hang out with you less and less? Because it would’ve been. But I can’t just ignore you and make you go away. You’re a person, and you’re my friend, so I owe it to you to at least try. Please don’t dismiss this as another drone refusing to see the truth, and actually listen. No, I won’t “WAKE UP SHEEPLE,” it’s late and I need to go to sleep. And so do you. Just let it go. Seeing the Illuminati everywhere won’t help you. Remember, you’ve only got one life to live, so live it well. I’d hate to see you waste it.

Yours truly,

-A sympathetic, if exasperated, friend

Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela is the editor of The Desert Lynx. He is also the founder of the Rights Brigade, a mover for the Free State Project, and a martial art instructor.
  • Kinda said what I think. One thing that’s kinda irked me is that the conspiracy theorists are getting an audience and one of the big factors is the History Channel and its bogus “documentaries.” Thanks for this.

    • I figured it’s a lot more helpful than trying to argue facts and evidence with people who come from an already decided assumption, and work their way backwards from there.

  • Joe

    Another effect that leads to adoption of conspiracy theories – particularly among those in the liberty movement – is the desire to shift blame for former actions. A large percentage of conspiracy theorists were, if you check into it a bit, formerly strong supporters of the government. Military, government employees, or just serious cheerleaders. Among those who see the damage being done by Statism, many are able to step away from their past and move forward, but some are gnawed by guilt over their previous support.

    And some of those individuals will jump to conspiracy theories as a way to assuage that guilt. If some massive, world-spanning conspiracy is running things, then their individual support for the State didn’t matter, because that ultra-powerful conspiracy would have achieved its goals, even without their help.

    It’s certainly not the only reason that folks adopt these notions, but it seems that’s the place from which a very large percentage are coming.

    • It’s true. That’s the major reason I’m opposed to a focus on conspiracies: they’re a red herring. Whether or not the government perpetrated the 9/11 attacks is irrelevant to the main point of a tyrannical government having too much power.

  • Obviously you are unaware of the Schnergenbergers… the top of the New World Order hierarchy!

  • Paul

    Instead of arguing facts, You decided to make a generalized attack on critical thought? That’s because you’d get owned in a debate. Making a baseless ad hominem attack is so much easier. We desperately need to challenge the status quo, the term conspiracy theorist is a weaponized expression meant to undermine critical thinking. People conspire against others all the time, there is a whole security industry worth billions because of this. You probably lock your door at night. Yet when those involved in conspiracy are members of government or the elite you think it impossible. Stick with the facts, this just made you look like a jerk.

    • You seem to have missed the entire point of the article (don’t take it too personally, you’re not alone). The goal was never to delve into specific issues and prove/disprove them, but rather encourage critical thinking, decent research, and focusing on greater issues, while avoiding believing complete nonsense, as well as attempting to address the reasons one might sink to those low levels of thought. I sought to reach out on a personal, sincere, and human level, not to mention to add some humor into the equation.

      The debate over the facts of specific issues are for a separate occasion. It is impossible to have an honest intellectual debate with someone coming not from a perspective of honest truth-seeking, but from ulterior personal motivations.

  • Kevin Berner

    Every website that gets traffic tries to sell ads.

    Some conspiracy theories are true:

    • Neither is being contested. There was a disclaimer about conspiracies right in the article, distinguishing valid skepticism from complete nonsense.

      As for ads on sites, take this one for example. I get pennies (really not much at this point) in exchange for my outlook, which ends up partially paying for hosting (so even if my time had zero value, I’m losing money here). While it’s perfectly fine and natural to make a little off of advertising, lying and deliberately preying on weakness and ignorance is pretty despicable.