Home Depot Personals

Where have all the good men gone?

Gone with the wind. Or rather, gone with the winds of prosperity and feminism. It’s now okay to be a fancy pretty-boy, and you can go without getting a real job and not starve to death. The traditional man, with all his wood-chopping, teardrop-shirking, bacon-homebringing (still working on making that a proper English term) bravado, that man is gone. Gone for now, but rest assured, he will be back. How can I say this so certainly? Because I can think like an economist. There is a demand, and where there is a demand, a supply will follow soon afterwards. Additionally, foreign competition will force domestic products to improve.

How is the domestic supply of men lacking? For starters, the breaking down of the stereotypical hard-bodied, hard-hearted, strong, dependable man. Just as women are more accepted in roles more typically associated with men, guys can now get away with downright girly actions such as crying about their feelings and using as many beauty products as their female counterparts. Now, I can’t say the feminist challenging of traditional gender stereotypes is all bad without being a hypocrite. I enjoy my relatively long hair, fitted clothing, and daily lattes, thank you very much. But I can still take a 12-hour day of physical labor. I can take a punch to the face. Growing up I chopped the wood to heat my own bathwater.

The aforementioned masculine aesthetics, however, aren’t the real problem. The tragedy is that men aren’t reliable and self-sufficient anymore. This is because they don’t need to be. Women have done so well for themselves that they don’t need anyone to take care of them financially. Add this to an affluent century unlike any other (current economic woes aside), and you have very little incentive to actually become a productive member of society. Aging parents with plenty of money are much more tolerant of having their precious little boys come home. And, with enough equally maturity-challenged roommates to split the bills, a part-time job down at the obscure bookstore you’ve probably never heard of can go a long way.

Ladies, in this dismal market of irresponsible, underdeveloped girly man-boys, where can a real man be found? I’ll tell you where: in the Home Depot parking lot. There you’ll find plenty of real men. They’re adventurous and industrious. They’re not afraid of working with their hands, working long workdays, or slaving away all weekend, starting before dawn. They can survive on their own in difficult and foreign environments and still be able to send money home to their extended families. They don’t need to cry about how their mother never paid attention to them, because they’re too busy trying to be the man in the family since their father died of dehydration on his journey through the desert. They wear practical clothes. They don’t need no stinking exfoliant. And don’t forget that they won’t be so shy of commitment, especially since a marriage can solve their legal problems and pave a path to a better life.

Congratulations ladies, I just solved your man problems. You’re welcome. Gratitude can be expressed in the comment section. Have a nice day.