Frog Princesses

Those who remember my last post about the unfortunate decline of American manhood will probably think I have a one-sided point of view on gender relations. Fear not, I believe in gender equality. That means it’s the girls’ turn now.

The global war of romantic competitiveness is a cutthroat one, and it is becoming increasingly relevant to the average world citizen. It used to be that you had to fish in the small pond in which you were born. Not no more. In this most international of worlds, it’s effortless to communicate across many thousands of miles, with anyone, at any time. Interracial couples are gaining more mainstream acceptance. People are studying, traveling, and living abroad. Outsourcing doesn’t just affect work anymore, it affects love as well. And frankly, I feel like the good ol’ fashioned American girl is losing her edge. Now, let it stand as official record that I say this not out of spite, but out of concern. I’m rooting for complete and utter American dominance in every area imaginable, and so the sad state of femininity in this country truly breaks my heart.

Feminism is a beautiful thing, and the upending of gender inequality is nothing but good. I’m passionate about freedom, and the fact that both genders are now free to do whatever they want brings tears of joy to my eyes. But with great freedom comes great responsibility. Just because you’re free to paint your house cyan, lime green, and purple, doesn’t mean doing so won’t earn you serious bad mojo points in the afterlife. So, while women everywhere celebrated the freedom from slavery to desires of men, some of them took it upon themselves to separate themselves from that desire entirely, and from dignity itself. And, unfortunately, this reckless abandon of self-respect caught on. Ladies, if you have managed to avoid the following crimes against humanity, consider yourselves the best this country has to offer. As for the rest, well… brace yourselves.

Vestis virum reddit. How we humans clothe ourselves represents who we are, and how we perceive ourselves. It is based on this premise that I do declare the public wearing of pajamas as the absolute lower limit of self-respect. This includes carrying blankets, or hybrids (I’m looking at you, Snuggie), outside the house. I don’t buy the comfort or practicality arguments: There exists in this world sufficient clothing to suit any need. Get looser jeans. Wear a comfortable sweater. Ditch the heels in favor of flats or sneakers. But whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, do not leave the house in your bedclothes. It projects a lack of caring about one’s appearance that rivals that of the chronically homeless. Civilized humans cut their hair, trim their nails, take regular baths, defecate only in prescribed areas, and refrain from hurling the fruits of said defecation at their rivals and/or unlucky bystanders. And they leave their abodes properly clothed. The rest of the world has already grasped this concept. Certain Americans, in particular many young female Americans, would do well to follow suit, or risk losing out miserably to women from elsewhere in the world who embody femininity and class whenever seen in public.

Next up, the thrill of the chase. The traditional gender relations setup defined the man as the hunter, and the woman, the prey. Now that the system has been turned on its head, the system has changed, and women need to take a more proactive approach to securing a romantic partner. The antiquated do-nothing approach may be stubbornly clinging to life (much like the fax machine), but, faced with foreign competition, it’s time this method joined the top hat in the dustbin of history. Throwing the entire responsibility of initiating relations at the feet of men is a huge burden, and any woman willing to lessen this burden is immediately welcomed as a breath of fresh air. A foreign woman willing to express interest, and communicate what she wants, will act as an impenetrable barrier preventing guys from even noticing the local girl waiting for Prince Charming to come take her lazy tush off to paradise. Japanese women, in particular, have completely obsoleted the American woman in the dating marketplace. It’s time to pick up the slack and evolve.

Finally, speech. There is nothing wrong with the American accent. There is, however, a disturbing style that is trending in modern female English: vocal fry. Originally a symptom of a speech disorder, this guttural croaking is apparently now in vogue among American girls. Let us now hold a moment of silence in light of this great tragedy. Soft, high-pitched vocals are traditionally associated with femininity, and continue to be perceived as attractive by males. Such a deep, coarse groan goes opposite to feminine beauty, and is unique to females. That means that now the voice of young American girls falls even lower on the estrogen scale than a male voice. As a decent human being who values beauty and decency, it rends my heart asunder to hear a young woman sounding like a lifetime chain-smoker or a coal miner.

America is about innovation. It’s about exceptionalism. It’s about conquering all obstacles through the power of freedom and adaptability. That’s why I urge the evolution of the modern American girl in order to be able to compete on a global scale. Picture the contest for a man’s heart as a ring fight. In the red corner, a nondescript foreign woman. Her attire, classy and alluring. Her voice, smooth and pleasing. Her approach, direct, engaging, and personable. In the blue corner, a young girl from the U.S. of A. She wears the same sky-blue Hello Kitty pajamas she slept in, with the virulent addition of Crocs. She sounds like a princess recently transformed from a toad, still having difficulties readjusting to human speech. She has no approach at all, choosing instead to remain in one place, awaiting what fate may come. The fight is over before it even begins. And I die a little inside.

This has been a public service announcement. Thank you for listening.

Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela is the editor of The Desert Lynx. He is also the founder of the Rights Brigade, a mover for the Free State Project, and a martial art instructor.
  • The combination of crocs and nightwear is a combination so horrific that it should be listed as a crime against humanity.

    Even if it’s black crocs and a bat kigurumi.