Never Trust a Politician with Stupid Hair


Don’t be afraid to judge a book by its cover, or a politician by his hair. Both can reveal a surprising amount about the content of their object’s character.

No, I’m not kidding: if a politician has stupid hair, you absolutely should NOT trust them. Here’s why:

The political world has a very rigid code for appearance. You have to wear a dark suit with either a blue or red tie, and either a white or light blue undershirt. Even when going for the “man of the people” look you have to wear a blue tucked-in dress shirt with rolled up sleeves, i.e. a look that no actual man of the people has ever adopted. Beards are far too savage, and therefore off limits. Mustaches are a no-no; what are you, Freddie Mercury or Joseph Stalin? This leaves only a limited range of neat hairstyles as the sole outlet for self-expression. Therefore, it’s entirely acceptable to judge who a political candidate is based on their hair.

Next, Washington is Hollywood for ugly people. It’s one big popularity contest for money and fame, and it’s hard to get attention without “what is he/she wearing?” as the go-to low-level gossip prompt. In a sea of mostly Caucasian males over age 40 dressed nearly identical, how can you make your special and super important self stick out? Solution: have some sort of goofy hair that you think looks good, and everyone else notices for the wrong reasons. But they still notice, and that’s all that counts.

Stupid hair indicates the unholy trinity of no common sense, out-of-control ego, and perfect insulation from new information. They had to be ridiculously self-absorbed to craft a special hairdo, totally clueless to think it looked any good, and have ignored anyone who told them it looks stupid. What this means for public policy: The stupid-haired politician will make decisions whose primary aim is to feed their own sense of personal glory, won’t be able to judge whether or not those decisions are stupid ideas, and will listen to absolutely no one trying to talk sense into them. That’s a surefire recipe for a disaster of a dictatorship.

Vote. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter too much either way. But if you’re going to vote, be an informed voter. You could spend countless hours researching the records, positions, and moral convictions of various politicos. Or, you could take the shortcut and judge them entirely based on their hair. It works just about as well. You’re welcome, voting-age public.

Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela
Joël Valenzuela is the editor of The Desert Lynx. He is also the founder of the Rights Brigade, a mover for the Free State Project, and a martial art instructor.
  • Michael

    Does that include Bernie Sanders?

    • Probably not, since his stupid hair isn’t his fault. You’ll have to dislike him because of his policies instead, sorry.